JOURNAL ?

12/11/2023

I'm not too sure what to put here. I would like to start a journal, though my life isn't very interesting. Though lately, my mental issues have been getting to me, and with no way to medicate, I've been struggling. As of today, December 11th, I have been dealing with a thick dizziness that only lets up if I've sat up a while. I'm not sure what I'll do, nobody seems concerned about it but myself, so I suppose it could just be normal. Maybe people just get dizzy, I guess. I don't have anything diagnosed, anemia, iron deficiency.. I don't know what it could be. I can't get to a doctor at the moment, and calling an ambulance of something so miniscule sounds stupid. That's about as interesting as it gets though. Pain, some form of BPD splitting, or generally living as a system (OSDD-1b) is all the spice we get in life.

12/15/2023

I'm back at it again with the worst BPD splitting ever. I'm so surprised my partner hasn't left me, I'm such a piece of shit. Worrying myself sick about them and then getting it in my head that they're leaving me or trying to distance, and then they come back to just be confused at my emotions. I don't know what to do. I upset them and i can tell I do but I can't even help it, it just keeps happening and I dont' know what to do. I can't even fix it at the moment, as I have no access to medication or therapy. So I'm just taking this shit headon without any help. I'm so fucking tired. They say they understand and that it's okay, but I can tell it's not, and that it's draining, and that it's only making us worse, and I don't know what the fuck to do when they finally rip off the bandaid and leave me. The thought makes me want to kill myself. I need to just shut the fuck up sometimes. Maybe put my thoughts into this journal instead of burdening our poor friends and our poor partner. I'm just a brick weighing everyone down, I need to stop.